Posted on May 9, 2022

This came through in a near death experience that happened about five years ago. My heart stopped beating (cardiac arrest), and I was flat lined for about 10 minutes. It was an incredible experience, and very challenging physically and mentally after. The lesson changed me and my life.

I am sharing this story because it touches so strongly on a balanced way to lead your life, and the need to hold your boundaries as a healer. I have never been particularly interested in any historical religious figures, and do not ascribe to any particular religion or spiritual practice. I rely on my own heart to guide me in my understanding of life, and my near death experiences have directly shaped my understanding of what happens when we die.

During my last near death experience in April of 2013, I experienced a cardiac arrest. Basically, my heart stopped beating for 10 minutes. It is a fast and painless way to pass on, and you only have about 10 seconds of consciousness after your heart stops.

At the very beginning of my death experience Buddha came to me. He appeared as a wizened old man wrapped in a sari – with deep wrinkles and stern, but kind eyes. He approached me and said he needed to explain something to me. I agreed to talk with him, and he invited me to sit on the ground with him under an ancient tree. As we talked, he kept changing form about every 10 seconds or so. First, he was the man I have described, and then he would become a Buddha statue. Sometimes the statue was gold, then stone, then iron, and then again jade. I am not sure why he did this, but I think it may have been his way to let me know not to confuse his message with his human figure.

Here is the content of our conversation:

I asked him, “What do you want to tell me?”

Buddha leaned forward intently as he said, “You need to stop trying!” 

I asked him, “Trying what?” 

“You are always trying SO hard to be a better person, a better healer, a better everything. Just stop! Do you understand me?” he said.

I was puzzled, but said that I understood him. 

He gave me an unconvinced look, “I don’t think you do. Let me explain this to you in very simple terms.” He brought the tips of his first finger and thumb very close together, and I felt like a child in the presence of a master.

He continued, “I want you to imagine that you are a caterpillar. As a caterpillar, you have no idea that your destiny in life is to transform into a butterfly. However, as a caterpillar, you want to be a ‘good’ caterpillar. So you imagine just what would make you a better caterpillar. Perhaps an extra set of legs, or a beautiful design on your back, or to be able to move faster. It makes no difference what you imagine; you will make some choices and then pour your energy and intentions into becoming that version of a better caterpillar.”

“What you don’t realize is that by doing that you become attached to being a caterpillar and block your own transformation. You prevent your natural evolution, and instead struggle and work to remain a caterpillar.”

“Do you think the caterpillar has any idea of its destiny? Or that seeds know that they will become flowers waving in the breeze under the sun? Of course they don’t, and like them you have absolutely no idea of what your transformation will be! So, you need to stop trying, just let yourself be every day – and get out of your own way so you can transform.”

He stared at me very intently then and asked, “Do you understand me now?” I was a bit stunned, but shook my head yes. I really did begin to understand his message, and realized that he was so right about the way I was living my life. I was never satisfied with who I was, and was always searching for the next experience, meditation, or learning that would take me further along my definition of my spiritual path.

He could see in my eyes that understanding had finally dawned. For a moment he looked very satisfied with himself and with me. Then I said, “I have a question.” He rolled his eyes and asked a bit sharply, “What?”

I paused and asked, “Does this mean I have to stop all the things I love doing like my meditation, study, healing work, and reading?” 

He just looked at me for a moment, and then his gaze softened. He said, “Of course not. You can continue to do anything that your heart calls you to do – but only without any expectation of outcome. If you hold an expectation of how this will help you, then you are once again imagining what your better caterpillar will be. Just be – follow your heart – and do what your heart calls you to do without any expectations. That is what I am asking you to do.”

This made such sense to me, and still does. I was filled with a feeling of deep peace, and could feel the struggle leaving me as I settled into my heart and trusted it to be my guide.

How does this teaching apply to life and to being a healer? It is not only a prescription for how to live your life; it is a fundamental way to be on the healer path. The lesson here is to do your best with each client, but not be attached to outcome. Any tendency to become attached will result in you feeling responsible for the results, and that is not healthy for you or the clients. Remember that you cannot heal anyone – you can only help others to find their own healing. It can be very challenging to keep your ego at bay when you do this work, but it essential to your long-term health and that of your clients. Just focus on doing the best you can in every session, and let the rest go.